CT's Story

Updated: Oct 9, 2018

As an act of contempt towards my tendency to self-protection and self-reliance, and as an acknowledgement of and submission to the fact that God is writing His story through my life, I will write a brief testimony of how I found myself here.

Though I am 24 years old now, the sum of my life experiences often make me feel ten years older than I am. On the other hand, my personal experience with same sex desires often make me feel younger than I am because of their basis in—among several roots—envy, neuroticism, entitlement and infantilism. It’s like I’m going through my teenage years now! Now add all this to a gender-inferiority complex, the struggle of being an immigrant and a third culture kid (neither fitting in in my country of origin, Cameroon nor in the US), parents splitting at a young age, traumatic experiences in 5 years of boarding school in Cameroon (including sexual violation by an older male relative), emotional heartbreaks, a brief stint of “exploration” in the “lifestyle” (double-life through pornography, acting out my desires, and hanging with the wrong crowd), etc. and you have my hot-mess-of-a life. But it is clear now that God has been proving Himself in my life to be a Healer and a Redeemer.

Summer 2013, while in a dangerously depressed state in college is when I ate the forbidden fruit; I started to numb the pain with pornography, and eventually started to act out my desires. The strongholds were established and fortified. I was hooked. Fall 2014—having just graduated from college—marks the beginning of my healing journey, beginning with Living Waters, and continuing through various other ministries as I began to forgive myself, family members and others in the Church I felt hurt by. The more I forgave and submitted myself in vulnerability to God, the more healing I would experience and the more the strongholds would come down (some more easily that others). A decisive break happened in Fall 2016 as I cut myself off from a community that was leading me down the wrong path. God even facilitate this separation for me by moving me out of DC to Omaha this past summer, as it was clear that in this state of transitioning, DC is not a spiritually healthy place for me to be, just for the time being.

God in His mercy and His grace has been so patient and gracious with me. I am still a work in progress, obviously. But God, in His strength has continued to empower me to walk away and say NO to destructive and degrading behaviors, and false identities. For example, I do not continue to have an issue with pornography and masturbation. Some liaisons were difficult to break and required this divinely-orchestrated relocation to complete. That said, even though the last few months in Omaha have been difficult with the move, God in His providence has protected my physical purity. I would likely to publicly acknowledge that it is by His own grace and not in my strength, because heaven knows I’ve been tempted. Most importantly, He has been correcting my identity and teaching me how to rely on Him, and not on myself. I guess I should add—as a side note—that “the spell I was under began to break” in late Summer 2014 when I met a lady and began to feel drawn to her, as more than friends; a feeling I hadn’t experienced in a while. She was one of 7 girls that I lived with, but that’s a story for another time. We’re still in touch now, but even if nothing comes of it, I now know that my greatest fulfillment in life is in being in Christ, not in being in a marriage.

The hope I have for restoration and redemption and more healing is in Jesus Christ—without Whom I would probably be a bitter, resentful, rebellious, Church-hating, self-destructive and licentious person. My story is still fuzzy and I often do not know how to share it with others for fear of being vulnerable (so this is a big step for me). I am struggling to make new connections in NE, and building a new identity in Christ. For this reason, I am so delighted to be in this community with you gentlemen. Once again, it was by God’s divine providence. I already feel at home especially since I know several of the men here. I hope I get to connect with more of you and develop the connections. I am almost tearing up as I’m concluding this. (Maybe I shouldn’t listen to Taylor Swift while writing this lol) May God richly bless you all in Christ’s name.


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